Thursday, February 23, 2012

The Romantically-Inclined Survival Guide

**Note to the female readers out there: The Romantically-Inclined Survival Guide will be written primarily for men. But keep in mind, someone famous probably once said: "It is good to know your enemy, but even better to know what your enemy thinks about you." While men and women are not enemies, we are about as aloof to one another as battling generals. That being said, you are welcome to read these posts (and maybe even offer some hints.)** 

If you have read “The University Union” or know me at all personally, then you know that I take particular interest in the species known to man simply as “woman.”  While I certainly claim to know of their existence, let me be frank and honest up front: I am no expert.  The “woman” is a complex creature.  In fact, if you read the Bible, God created the “woman” last.  In my mind, I am pretty sure this is because they were so complicated, God needed an extra day to put together all the in’s and out’s.  Over thousands of years, “women” have puzzled us men.  We can’t quite figure them out, and we probably never will.  I don’t claim to be able to unlock the secrets the “woman,” but I can give you some basic survival tips that may prove exactly what you need to get just close enough to the species to see them smile and make eye contact. 
But beware: “women” are known to cause serious emotional confusion, heartache, lapse in proper judgment, excessive spending, and falling hard… very hard.

Before we delve into the various segments of survival of women, we must first learn our basics (if those even exist).
Woman, also known as female, lady, gal, Miss, Ms., babe, doll, chick, or dame arises from the maturation of a girl, also known as damsel, lassie, or mademoiselle.  The maturation is known to involve both physical and mental changes, although many of the details are still unknown to man. Try to think of it like evolving a Pok√©mon, but without the notification and cool metamorphosis.  Some clear signs of maturation include but are not limited to: increased sassiness, pickiness, mysteriously long shower times, and the emergence of birthing hips.

Once the girl becomes a woman, she starts to transition from the phenomena of “cute” to the state that is most often described as “beautiful.”  While this state is one that thousands of musicians have tried to describe over hundreds of years, none quite capture the hope and devastation that beauty can cause.  This, men, is where we must be most cautious.  But, alas, even as I mention caution, I know we are not. As Aaron Watson puts so well, “she was young, I was wild, we were reckless.”  With the guts to attempt a wooing and the stomach ready to be hit with that sinking feeling of defeat, we will press on.

Women have historically made up approximately 50% of the world’s population, but they account for over 95% of the world’s glitter usage.  They also account for over 72% of phone calls over 2 minutes long and 93% text/chat conversations that would be better served as phone calls.  Women, although it is a common misconception, do actually use the restroom for more than crying and gossip.  But crying and gossip are the two most-cited reasons for the “I have to go to the restroom. –Ok. I will go with you” move that the they pull all the time. 

Gentlemen, although this may seem like a trick being played you, it is actually an opportunity.  Two (or four) can play at the game of deciphering the opposite gender’s moves by hasty discussion.  If women choose to do this in the ladies’ room, then we have the table to reference past experience in preparation for the next move of the game that is known as romance.

In the time that you have and with today’s technology, my hope is that you may be able to reference the Romantically-Inclined Survival Guide (RISG) for those moments when you are in a pinch.  Or between a rock and a hard place.  Or when the girl ordered off the kid’s menu and you are trying to figure out what the heck that means.  Or when she has brought her best friend when you thought it was a one-on-one date.  Or when you think you are blowing it.  Or when you realize that she hates Italian food.  And these are just date scenarios. 

Maybe we haven’t even gotten that special woman on a date yet, and maybe we have no idea about how to do that.  Maybe the special woman is your mom, and you have no idea what to get her for her birthday or Mother’s Day.  Maybe your sister is about enter a relationship. How do you make sure the guy is legit?  All these situations and many more will be addressed by the Romantically-Inclined Survival Guide.  Get ready, it’s going to be a wild ride.  This is real.

My name is not Bear Grylls.  I have not served in the British Special Forces.  I have not climbed to the top of Everest.  I haven’t even had a girlfriend for more than a few months.  But I am going to put myself in dangerous situations, in an attempt to show you how to survive.  

1 comment:

  1. I once said engineers can't write. I take that back.

    Actually, no, I don't. But you're an exception I guess. Love it.